Starting Anew

Well....It's a new semester, and I'm not taking classes! While everyone else stresses about papers and exams, I stress about rain clouds (which impede on my beach time) and which movie I should watch. All I can say is that I NEEDED it. Going to school while I was still broken was not the best idea. I needed time to fix myself....so I'm doing it now! I've made a bunch of new and reasonable goals, I'm still going to therapy, and I'm taking care of ME. Of course I still have my ups and downs...but there is hope for me yet! 

Since I haven't posted anything for a long while, here's a few pics of my happenings:

As a project for my religion class I visited "The Valley of the Temples" and got to get an inside peak at this Buddhist temple. We arranged a tour and had an awesome experience. Even though I'm not a believer of the Buddhist faith, I have a deep respect for anyone who believes something and actually lives it. The Buddhist believes are very different than mine, but that doesn't mean I can't respect them and their lifestyle. I love their reverence for all living creatures, and their rituals intrigued me. There was a definitely a peaceful feeling there...

Our tour guide was a cute Japanese man who serves as the "Temple Bishop." He kept calling me "the big one" haha, talk about a self-esteem booster. He loved the fact that we were students, and he tried to cram everything he knew about his religion and the temple into our brains. My favorite thing he said was about the lotus flower. He said that the lotus serves as a symbol of enlightenment. Since it grows out of the mud, it is a symbol of purity. He pointed to us and 

said with a soft voice "we are all to bloom like a lotus flower." See? So many differences, and yet, we're remarkably alike:)

Culture Night!  Every year each of the clubs on campus spends hours and hours preparing a dance to perform in-front of not only the student body, but the community as well. My roommates are avid members of the Samoan Club, and even though I wasn't dancing, they got me to participate in their performance. Their plan was to do their dance, and at the very end, all run together and pose for a picture. That was MY job:) I waited anxiously on the floor until the end of the performance, and as soon as the last drum beat, I ran out to the middle of the dance floor and snapped this shot! I was praying the flash would go off, and it did! Their performance was definitely the most exciting of the night. Full of screams, loud drums, and very well coordinated dance moves that got the entire gym excited. While I was sitting on the floor I was able to take some other pictures. Here are some of my favorites:

A few week ago we went to Hulilau Beach to watch the sunrise. There were some fun photo ops. Such as the big huge bouey washed up on the shore...

Overall, my experiences thus far in Hawaii have been awesome. It's a great place to explore and to heal. Hawaii is growing more and more on me. I love its adventures! I love the cultures, the faces and the places...what a blessing:)

Mosaic

I thought this idea was fun and decided to try it

DIRECTIONS:

- Go to Google Images.

- Type in your answer to each question.

- Choose a picture.

- Use this website (http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php) to make your collage.

- Save the image for use in this note.

- Tag the people whose mosaics you want to see and have them make their own.

QUESTIONS:

1. What is your name?

2. What is your favorite food?

3. What is your hometown?

4. What is your favorite color?

5. What is your favorite movie?

6. What is your favorite drink?

7. What is your dream vacation

?8. What is your favorite dessert?

9. What is one word to describe yourself?

10. How are you feeling right now?

11. What do you love most in the world?

12. What do you want to be when you grow up?

Updates!

I've had a lot of fun stuff going on lately:) I'm blessed to live a life full of distractions. Well...I guess it's both a blessing and a curse. Finals are quickly approaching, and I'm realizing just HOW MUCH I need to get done. However, I'll make sure to get some updates on here real quick.

Depression Sucks

Just in case you didn't know, I've been facing a new adventure the past few months. There is no reason to sugar coat it, and no real need to I guess. I feel like letting it out there...and maybe I'll regret it, but maybe not:) I have been struggling with a lovely disorder called depression, and a charming bonus to go along with it called anxiety. Those who aren't around me much tend to have no clue. I guess I'm a good faker:) However there are a select few who have somewhat of an idea of what I'm trying to overcome.

Earlier in life I never really understood depression. I used to think that people could just "snap out of it" if they cared enough to try. How ignorant I was. Depression sucks. It affects so much more than just my mood. It affects my ability to sleep, eat, study, socialize, or even just to care in general. Depression physically hurts. It kinda "stings" if that makes sense. Depression makes me feel HEAVY...like my arms are 100lb bags of sand, and like the corners of my mouth are being pulled down so strongly that it requires a conscious effort to smile. It consists of really high-highs, and very low-lows. Days where all I want to do is play, and others where I drag my feet and have a lump in my throat all day...and it takes everything in my not to burst into tears. Anyone who knows me well knows that this is NOT me. I have always been "the happy one." Able to shrug off anything off and keep on truckin'. I miss the real me.

It started when I was still in Ecuador. I went through some real rough experiences towards the end of my time there, and when they were over I felt like I was different. When I got home and did a little research, I discovered that I was suffering from depression. And those weird spasms and mini heart attacks that i was so worried about were actually anxiety attacks. I still have them. Since I have been home I am constantly fighting the urge to SCREAM and run out of buildings, meetings, classes...whatever. It happens all the time, but I'm learning to control it. It's not easy!


Now that I understand what is going on with me, what to do? Today I took a big step. I decided to get help. I met with a teacher of mine (who's wonderful by the way) and she arranged for me to meet with a counselor. I'm half afraid to follow though with it because i'm afraid they'll either say i'm FINE, and i'm exaggerating. Or they'll think i'm crazy and stick me in one of these:


Hopefully thre is some kind of middle ground. All i want is to feel like "Amber" again. I know I can't do it alone. Heavenly Father has been there for me in some of my lonliest moments. Without the divine help I have recieved, I doubt I'd even be able to get out of bed in the morning. I'm grateful for that. However I feel like I need to do a little more to help myself. Fatih wihout works is dead right?

I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I just want to heal. I feel like it is VERY possible. Here's to hoping!

He's got a point

I love this. Really puts things into perspective. We have everything we could ever want or need right at our fingertips...and we forget how blessed we are to have it. Plus, this guy cracks me up.

My Job

The reason I even have time to blog is because of my "job." I work at the call center for my school and the Polynesian Cultural Center. Sitting in front of 2 computer monitors and transferring phone calls 19 hours a week leads to a lot of free time. My line is : "Aloha, BYU-Hawaii, how may I direct your call?" I push a few buttons, and wha-la! Never mind the sad face in the picture, I really am grateful for such a rad job. They must have caught me in a bored moment.

First thing's first

I live in Laie Hawaii. The decision to move here was a little last minute, but I'm glad i did it. The end of my mission was a little rocky, and I came home a little broken if you will. Don't get me wrong, I loved my mission and I wouldn't change a thing. I guess I needed some of those experiences to make me stronger. They were HARD, but I'm grateful. Upon arriving home I felt the need to escape to a world where nobody knew me so that I could start my life again. I wanted to learn, to explore, and be warm. Where better to do that than Hawaii? Heavenly Father confirmed my decision to come here, and the struggle to get in was well worth it. I live on O'ahu, and attend BYU-Hawaii. I have already had some amazing experiences. I have met people from all walks of life, from countries I have never even heard of. The teachers here are all very passionate about what they teach, which of course get me all excited as well! I'm so poor all I eat is Oatmeal and all I drink is water. My house is literally across the street from the beach. My killer tan will have to wait due to the cloudy weather that plagues the first few months of the year( but I love wearing hoodies, so I'm ok with the coldness for now). I am obsessed with the night show at the Polynesian Cultural Center and dream about dancing in it someday. You see? All kinds of fun stuff! I'll keep you posted...