Just in case you didn't know, I've been facing a new adventure the past few months. There is no reason to sugar coat it, and no real need to I guess. I feel like letting it out there...and maybe I'll regret it, but maybe not:) I have been struggling with a lovely disorder called depression, and a charming bonus to go along with it called anxiety. Those who aren't around me much tend to have no clue. I guess I'm a good faker:) However there are a select few who have somewhat of an idea of what I'm trying to overcome.
Earlier in life I never really understood depression. I used to think that people could just "snap out of it" if they cared enough to try. How ignorant I was. Depression sucks. It affects so much more than just my mood. It affects my ability to sleep, eat, study, socialize, or even just to care in general. Depression physically hurts. It kinda "stings" if that makes sense.
Depression makes me feel HEAVY...like my arms are 100lb bags of sand, and like the corners of my mouth are being pulled down so strongly that it requires a conscious effort to smile. It consists of really high-highs, and very low-lows. Days where all I want to do is play, and others where I drag my feet and have a lump in my throat all day...and it takes everything in my not to burst into tears. Anyone who knows me well knows that this is NOT me. I have always been "the happy one." Able to shrug off anything off and keep on truckin'. I miss the real me.
It started when I was still in Ecuador. I went through some real rough experiences towards the end of my time there, and when they were over I felt like I was different. When I got home and did a little research, I discovered that I was suffering from depression. And those weird spasms and mini heart attacks that i was so worried about were actually anxiety attacks. I still have them. Since I have been home I am constantly fighting the urge to SCREAM and run out of buildings, meetings, classes...whatever. It happens all the time, but I'm learning to control it. It's not easy!
Now that I understand what is going on with me, what to do? Today I took a big step. I decided to get help. I met with a teacher of mine (who's wonderful by the way) and she arranged for me to meet with a counselor. I'm half afraid to follow though with it because i'm afraid they'll either say i'm FINE, and i'm exaggerating. Or they'll think i'm crazy and stick me in one of these:
Hopefully thre is some kind of middle ground. All i want is to feel like "Amber" again. I know I can't do it alone. Heavenly Father has been there for me in some of my lonliest moments. Without the divine help I have recieved, I doubt I'd even be able to get out of bed in the morning. I'm grateful for that. However I feel like I need to do a little more to help myself. Fatih wihout works is dead right?
I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I just want to heal. I feel like it is VERY possible. Here's to hoping!
